The Thing That Keeps Me Up at Night as a Doula

One of the hardest things for me as a doula, the thing that keeps me up at night, the thing I moan about the most, and the thing that all my friends and family have to listen to me banging on about, is this.

Every time someone hires me as their doula, afterwards they say things like:

“Thank you so much.”

“That was amazing.”

“That was life-changing.”

“I couldn’t have done that without you.”

“Thank you for that incredible support.”

They’re so happy with everything I brought to their experience. Everything I did to help them have a better birth.

But don’t get me wrong, I didn’t make that experience happen for them. They birthed their baby. They did all the hard work. I was just there supporting them.

But apparently, that made all the difference.

And they tell me this time and time again.

So what is it that pisses me off?

What’s upsetting me the most lately?

It’s knowing the difference I bring to someone’s birth experience, knowing how much families value that support, and then hearing other women say to me:

“I wish I’d booked you.”

“I wish I’d had a doula.”

And then they go on to tell me about the most horrendous birth experience.

And I’m thinking, how does that happen?

How does a woman know she wants a doula, but then end up giving birth without one?

I know it’s sometimes because her partner doesn’t see the value in it, so isn’t particularly happy about the money being spent.

Sometimes it’s because the woman herself doesn’t really see the value.

Is it bevause she trusts the maternity system within the NHS and is willing to take that chance.?

Because after all, of course the NHS is there to support you to have the best birth possible, right? Hmmm. The figures in the latest maternity reports tell a different story, sadly.

Okay, I said it. It’s true that that isn’t the experience for so many women having babies in the UK.

If it were, why are studies reporting that such a significant proportion of women describe their birth as traumatic, with some estimates suggesting around a third?

A third of all women report it. We know it’s far higher.

How is that happening?

Well, because the system isn’t necessarily built for you to have the kind of birth you want.

And that’s not me having a go at every midwife or doctor working within it. There are some incredible people working in maternity services.

But the system itself? That’s a different conversation.

So when women say to me:

“I’m just going to go with the flow.”

“I’m just going to go to hospital and have my baby.”

“My partner will be there, he’ll be fine.”

“My mum’s coming, she’s had babies, she knows what she’s doing.”

I always wonder whether they really understand what they’re potentially going without.

Because some women are finding out the hard way that actually, having someone who loves you in the room isn’t necessarily the same as having someone who knows how to navigate what’s happening around you. Sometimes having someone that loves you in the room becomes the whole problem.

That’s another blog incoming 😂

And before anyone gets their knickers in a twist, I’m not saying partners or mothers can’t be incredible birth supporters.

I’ve witnessed some absolutely brilliant birth partners. But there’s a huge difference .

A good doula understands the system.

We understand the language being used.

We understand those conversations between maternity staff, the terminology, the recommendations, and sometimes even those weird little looks being exchanged across the room between midwives.

We understand birth rights.

Because let’s face it, that’s not something most women have been taught, is it?

And why would you necessarily know all of that when you’re having your first baby?

You shouldn’t have to become an expert in maternity services just to give birth.

But sometimes it feels like that’s exactly what’s expected of women if they want to have any real say in what happens to them.

And that’s what frustrates me.

So what’s the whole point of this blog?

What’s the point of me coming on here bitching and moaning?

There isn’t really one.

Sometimes I just like to write a blog to get things off my chest.

And today, this is what’s on my chest, suffocating me.

I want people to understand the frustrations of being a doula.

Because we are the women in those birth rooms.

We witness it all.

Every kind of birth, every which way.

We’ve seen the joys. We’ve seen the trauma. We’ve seen the beautiful births and the ones that leave us driving home thinking about what we’ve just witnessed.

And then we get the feedback from our clients.

Telling us how wonderful the support was.

How much it meant to them.

How different their experience felt because we were there.

And of course that makes us feel incredible. It’s why we do what we do.

But at the same time, we’re hearing from other women who wish they’d had that.

And to be honest I just want to scream 🤯

Because I know what I can offer.

I know the difference I can make.

Not because I think I’m some sort of magical birth fairy who can wave a wand and give everyone their dream birth.

But because women tell me.

Again and again and again.

So where am I going with this blog?

I don’t bloody know. Lols.

All I’m saying is that this is the stuff that keeps me up at night.

This is the stuff that stresses me out the most.

Knowing there’s so much I can offer women and families, and knowing that so many just aren’t choosing it.

And I don’t mean choosing me, specifically.

I mean choosing doula support at all.

Most doulas have the capacity to support maybe two to four births a month.

That’s not many births, is it, compared with the number of women giving birth across the NHS every single day?

And yet I can pretty much guarantee that most doulas aren’t that busy. I know their not, because they tell me.

There are doulas out there with space in their diaries, ready and willing to support women, whilst women are giving birth every day wishing they’d had someone like that beside them.

And I find that so bloody frustrating.

Because I know women, potentially just like you, are choosing to do it without a doula for the first time.

Hoping everything goes well.

Hoping their partner will know what to do.

Believing the system will look after them.

And for many women, it absolutely does go well.

But for others, it doesn’t. I don’t get why women take the risk.

And I hate the thought of women having to learn the hard way, only to decide they need a doula next time.

I don’t want women to have to experience a difficult birth before they realise what support might have been available to them.

And perhaps that’s what I’m really trying to say here.

Or perhaps I’m just having a moan.

Either way, I needed to get it off my chest.

And I’d genuinely love to know your thoughts on this.

Whether you’re a fellow doula, a woman who’s already had a baby, or someone who’s pregnant right now and deciding what to do.

Did you have a doula?

Did you want one but decide against it?

Was it the money?

Did your partner not see the point?

Did you just assume you’d be fine without one?

Or perhaps you didn’t want one and had a wonderful experience anyway.

I want to hear all of it.

Because I’m genuinely interested in understanding why women who might want this support aren’t choosing it.

Please comment. Give me your thoughts. Tell me if you think I’m talking absolute bollocks.

I’d love to have a proper conversation about it.

Natalie x